The Bronx Zoo
Today we’re off to the Bronx. The Bronx Zoo to be specific! It’s the oldest zoo in the country and I checked their website and they’re open all year long. I’ve never been there because it’s a bit of a trip, but that’s what this blog is all about! So let’s go tripping to the Bronx Zoo, the animals will love it if we do!
And down to the subway we go.
And through the miracle of the internet you're spared close to an hour ride to the Bronx. But, from what I've seen online about the Bronx Zoo, it'll be worth the trip. Here's a shot of the Bronx from the subway platform. Let's go hit the street!
The zoo is straight ahead, from what I read online, it's just four blocks from the subway station.
And here we are, the Bronx Zoo! Can't wait to see all the animals and attractions in here!
Here's the map, but I'm terrible with maps...
So let's just hoof it down the trail and see what we find. Wednesday's you can pay whatever you want to get in and the person at the box office suggested a special $9.95 ticket that gives you access to everything. I could've been an asshole and just paid a buck, but ten bucks to see everything is a pretty good deal. I don't mind contributing to help the zoo out.
Look, the first animal of the day! Some kind of exotic bird roaming around on his own, cool!
Okay, here we go, Wild Asia...I went to a massage parlor once with that name, but that's a whole different story for another day! There's a monorail down here and a "Jungle World" exhibit, let's check it out!
Huh...doesn't look too wild to me. In fact it's kind of depressing.
No wonder, it's fucking closed. No happy ending at this Wild Asia. Oh well, let's go check out the other exhibits.
Duly noted. The butterfly exhibit wasn't high on my list of priorities, but it still kind of sucks that the first two exhibits are closed.
Jesus fucking Christ on broken crutches! Is anything open in this fucking place? I'm starting to feel like Clark Griswold at Wally World!
And there's that fucking bird again. Is he the only goddamned animal in this fucking dump?
So far the only thing open on my trip is this: The Mouse House. Mice on display at a zoo? You've got to fucking be kidding me! If I wanted to see mice, I could've just stayed home and put out a block of Velveeta on the floor.
FUCK YOU!
Of course it is...the only thing open is that goddamned House of Rodents!
Oh, now you tell me! Hey Bronx Zoo, maybe you should move that to the fucking entrance so people don't get conned into paying ten bucks to see some shithole exhibit that would only interest some asshole who works for Orkin Pest Control! Motherfucker, what a horrible day this turned out to be!
At least the Cafe's open, I am starving...I could really use a beer or seven, but the way my luck's gone today, I don't have high hopes.
It kind of looks like a movie concession stand. I'd say the odds of getting a beer in here are somewhere between few and far between. Oh well, I see they have pizza, let's go order. It'll beat looking at mice.
Holy shitballs, look at what this angel of mercy has in her hands...a 16 ounce bottle of Budweiser! Maybe the day isn't totally shot after all!
These nice people were next to me in line and got a kick out of the fact I was so excited about the beer. They're in town from Gainesville, Florida and were in town for the Westminster Dog Show.
Here's the dining area, the most people I've seen all day. Nice to know I'm not the only one that got suckered at the front gate.
Ah, pizza and beer, things are definitely looking better!
Okay, five beers later, the pizza is gone and the laptop is out. I always love to see monkeys at the zoo, so let's find some on the internet...hey, how'd that get on my screen?
Whoops, wrong Monkees...
There we go, the day wasn't a total loss after all! Okay, I'm going to get another beer, see you tomorrow!
Further Reading: Bronx Zoo, New York Magazine and Lonely Planet.
Surprise link, click on it...I dare you!
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P.S. A Note About Commenting
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Beer, Bronx Zoo, Mice, That Fucking Bird Posted on Thursday, February 16, 2012 at 10:31AM 
Reader Comments (54)
So wait, you could pay anything to enter the zoo, but the $9.95 ticket that gives you access to "everything." Everything in February is a mouse house, a stalking peacock, and a cafe. I'm all for supporting zoos, but that's some MAJOR bullshit! I guess you can cross off "looking at MILF porn at the zoo" off your bucket list, a peacock was threatened by your awesomeness and had to stalk you around, and you did get a 16oz Bud-fat so the day wasn't totally wasted.
i've been following your blogs since the 365 bars but dont comment much but i have to say that its hilarious when things go wrong for you!! your the larry david of the internet!
Thank God for the winter zoo warning ! ... I would have been pissed and demanded my money back ! ... or taken that stupid bird home with me !
I was once charged by a Peacock in heat at the Peoria Zoo. A terrifying experience, especially considering how stoned I was.
Marty that was hilarious.......I believe that bird was stalking you.
@Al: Yes, in the end, Budweiser always saves the day! I was so thrilled to get a beer after that shitty day, it made the whole experience worthwhile!
@Bobby D: Thanks for the Larry David comparison, he's one of my favorites, now only if I got a paycheck like he gets!
@GENE: They should just shut the place down if nothing's going to be open. But again, at least they had beer!
@Reggie Thistleton: Ha ha ha! I haven't been to the Peoria Zoo in decades, I need to check it out next time I go back!
@Terry: Thanks! Yeah, every time I turned around he was there! I should've grilled him in the woods!
You should have asked for your money back. You'd think the guy would have the decency to tell you a lot of exhibits are closed. Well at least you found a girlfriend and such colorful plumage!
How did I miss making it into this post!!! How quickly we forget our monkey friends :)
The Peoria Zoo just got some big facelift and a bunch of fancy new animals and shit. I haven't been back since that peacock almost raped me. I just remember the whole place CONSTANTLY smelled like shit.
@Jason: I didn't want to hassle over ten bucks, after I finished my beers, I just wanted to get home! And yes, the plumage was colorful, it gave me an acid flashback!
@Green Monkey: Glad you made it to this post! The last picture is dedicated to you and monkeys everywhere, especially green ones!
@ReggieThistleton: Oh yeah, I remember that smell! I'll have to check out the new zoo when I get back.
Thanks for posting 'At the Zoo' by Simon and Garfunkel...one of my favorites when I was a kid and one of the first things I learned to play successfully on the guitar back in the day. Peacocks can be loud nasty birds with an attitude, but you know what? If you were to get yourself one of those plug in Ronco convection ovens and go back to that zoo with a sack and a capture pole...well...I betcha he'd cook up nice and tasty and golden brown and the leftovers would keep you in sandwiches for days....
"It’s the oldest zoo in the country" -- Hey Marty, according to Wikipedia, the Philadelphia Zoo "was the first zoo in the United States," chartered in 1859 and opened in 1874. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philadelphia_Zoo). The Bronx Zoo, Wikipedia says, opened in 1899. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bronx_Zoo)
Which is the oldest zoo in the US?
Answer:
The Philadelphia Zoo claims to be the country's oldest: It was founded as part of the Philadelphia Zoological Society in 1859.
However, the Central Park Zoo in New York City opened to the public in 1862, twelve years before the opening to the public of the Philadelphia Zoo in 1874.
(1) On June 11, 2011 at 8:23 pm Denlp96 [0] said:
Lincoln Park Zoo, in Chicago, opened in 1868; six years before the Philadelphia Zoo. Lincoln Park Zoo is one of only 3 major zoos in the United States that is open for free.
@Jaws: I've always loved "At The Zoo," as well! Great song and great lyrics! Great suggestion about the Ronco oven, that bird will be cooked and sandwiched next visit, if I go back that is!
@Bruce Davis: Thanks for the update and information! I can't remember where I saw that, somewhere online, just proof that you can't believe everything you read, thanks for the fact-checking! Maybe I need to take a train to Philadelphia!
@GENE: Thanks for that information as well! It looks like it is the Philadelphia Zoo! I'll strike it out of the introduction! Thanks for checking up on that!
@Bobby D: Nothing is funnier than: Schadenfreude
“It kind of looks like a movie concession stand. I'd say the odds of getting a beer in here are somewhere between few and far between. Oh well, I see they have pizza, let's go order. It'll beat looking at mice.”
Marty, Marty…….Marty ***sigh***
You do realize you were eight blocks from Arthur Avenue? You could have pizza to blow your mind at Zero Otto Nove, Full Moon Pizza and at Mario’s, or you could have gotten a killer sandwich at Mike’s Deli. You can get beer too. Mmmm Beer.
“I always love to see monkeys at the zoo”
My favorite Monkey story:
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece.
I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand.
I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them.
I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.
Damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuntely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.
I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed,
The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
Priceless post! Laugh-out-loud funny, Good thing my boss has left for the day.
Still trying:::Had to do a clear cache, here goes again: When I was a kid my
> father used to drag me and my sister up there every weekend. We
> used to get the 3rd Ave El train on 14th st (when it still was in
> service back in the 1956 or so). Dad loved caged animals, tried to
> imbed that in us, it didn't work. I can't stand them. Zoos, ugh!
>
@Martin: I need to check with you the next time I go to the Bronx, those sound like they would have been great back up places! That is one wild Monkey tale! I pray it's fiction and if not, I'm so happy I wasn't on your Christmas list! The only thing I like less than a dead monkey is a punch in the genitals!
@Katrink: Thanks, glad you got a larf out of it! As bad as the day was, I kept thinking, well, maybe I can make something funny out of it!
@Mykola Mick Dementiuk: You get today's persistence award! Thanks for trying again and sorry your comments got eaten, I wish they could fix that! I hear you about the caged animals, but at least some zoos let the animals roam somewhat free.
pics 8, 14, and 16 -- Lady Gaga?
The bug on this site needs to be put in the Bronx Zoo.
The EV is like the zoo on weekends; it's right by your backyard and there's no admission price for it.
Is that the Bronx Zoo Peacock running away again? No sightings of The Bronx Zoo Cobra? Did he escape again?
Tremendous post, very funny. Stupid fucking peacock!
Marty, you should have tried the World of Birds and the Congo Gorilla Forest, they are open during the winter and both are worth the $10 cover. The World of Reptiles being closed, wow that's pretty unusual and a bummer. The wife and I went to the Bronx Zoo during the winter a couple of years ago and we saw Julie Stiles and her friend, also strikingly beautiful, at the café. Best line from National Lampoon's Vacation:
Cousin Vicki: I'm going steady, and I French kiss.
Audrey Griswold: So? Everybody does that.
Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.
Still shocks even today. Also, does anyone else get Vacation flashbacks with Mitt Romney? The dog being pulled along the car, the possibly of putting a dead Aunt Edna on the car roof.
@esquared: Ha! I think the first two are Gaga, but the third is definitely Kei$ha! And I hear you about the EV Zoo on weekends, I try to stay far away from that weekly shitshow! Great linkage and I think all the animals escaped, except for the mice and that goddmaned peacock!
@anonymous271: Thanks, glad you enjoyed it! And I keep looking over my shoulder expecting to see that goddamned bird!
@Duncester: By the time I saw the cafe and found out they had beer, I was done for the day after all those closed exhibits, but if I return (probably in the summer) I'll check those out. That line from Vacation is the greatest line in the whole movie! And yes, I just got a Romney flashback! Aaahhhh!
@Marty: Fuck me? Ayyy…dats rude!
Fuck youse too, pal and ya muddah AND ya sistah
I’m a Noo Yawk Peacock, you wanna a piece of me?
Fogettaboutit….
Sorry you didn't enjoy your day at the zoo Marty but at least your post was funny as fuck!
@Peacock: I can't seem to shake you, can I? Is there a restraining order for Peacocks?
@Alan Simpson: Thanks, glad you liked it! As I said, it could've been worse, the beer at the end saved the day!
This is probably one of my favorite songs out of the entire history of recorded music.
Restraining order? I got your Restraining order....its right here, Bozo
There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the Bronx Zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the Bronx Zoo for him. The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him. The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, “What’s going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!” The new truck driver responds, “I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we re going to see a movie.”
@Al: It is a great and timeless tune. I love the whole Bookends album!
@Henny Youngman: Ha ha ha! Nice one!
Hahaha! Aw, I'm so sorry the zoo sucked - it's actually pretty awesome when it's not all closed.
The Butterfly Garden is magical. I went there after 9/11 when I was feeling really dark. I tell you, walking into a giant inflatable caterpillar full of flowers and having dozens of beautiful butterflies in my hair lifted my spirits like nothing else. Plus, it smells good. You must go back when it's butterfly season!
Maybe you can visit the Central Park Zoo next? It's got lesbian penguins and an exhibitionist monkey - who doesn't love that?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
What a zoo!
Christ for $10 I'll send you pics of my peacock.
Come to think of it, give me $10 or I'll send you pics of my peacock.
PROTIP: In the summer, on weekends, every closed exhibit will have an over an hour line in front of it.
On week days it will be a 45 minute line.
You can't win Clark.
So much funny going on. I liked the
"Nation's oldest zoo."Stupid Philly.
P.S. The monkeys are wintering at your blog's internet host site. Grrrr.
@Goggla: I think I will try the Central Park Zoo, but I'm waiting till spring. Lesbian penguins? I have to see that!
@csp: The money's in the mail, please put your peacock away! I think when I go back, I'll try on a Monday in the summer, it'll be nice to do a follow up.
I am still laughing.."if I wanted to see rodents..I would put a block of velveta on my floor". Haa haa!!!
I have not laughed this hard since you were home last time. I have tears in my eyes. Thank God for Budweiser.
"Jesus fucking Christ on broken crutches! Is anything open in this fucking place? I'm starting to feel like Clark Griswold at Wally World!"
I peed in my pants when I read that line! Thanks for the laughs Marty!
Capital post man. If I could nominate it for some kind of top blog post of the year award, I would.
Did someone say lesbian penguins?
Well, it IS February, after all. You know, you should tell me next time you head to the Bronx Zoo. I happen to have a couple "in's" there. And I'm not talking about lesbian penguins. Or Fran Leibowitz.
This may not fly with the PC police, but between all the gay and lesbian penguins, I'm surprised there are any penguins at all.
@Melanie: Glad you got some chuckles out of this, and I'm not talking the candy either! Although Chuckles candy does rule1
@tehennessey: Thank God for Emack and Bolio's!
@Meleah: Thank you for checking it out, glad you got a laugh out of it!
@legitimate beef: Thank you so much, you coming here and commenting is reward enough!
@Fran Liebowitz: We sure did!
@Biff: Will do, I had no idea you were connected in the Bronx! I'm impressed!
@csp: This is the PC Police: "Come out with your hands in the air and your peacock in your pants!"
"Come on, pelicans! Fly, fly away! "
@csp: Is that a reference to your "little friend?" Stop it!
Game and match.
@csp: Checkmate!
Marty, I'm laughing my ass off. Nobody goes to that zoo in the Winter. Peacock feathers sell for 5 bucks a piece. I would have jumped him & plucked 4 feathers, You get your money back plus money for beer.
Wait till spring & go to the Central Park Zoo, they renovated it a while back. A lot cheaper than the Bronx Zoo, Great indoor Rain Forest, & amazing perverted snow monkeys.
@Danny the Freelancer: Nice to hear you got a laugh out of this. You're right, I should've gone for the feathers! I'll definitely check out Central Park Zoo when the spring gets here. I've always meant to go and this blog is giving me an excuse to do a lot of stuff I've never done before. Anxious to see those perverted snow monkeys!
Can I suggest another zoo themed song? "They All Asked For You" by the Meters.
Also, next time you get the urge to go to the zoo in the winter, maybe you should stick closer to home and check out the Central Park Zoo.
@Randall: Great zoo song suggestion, never heard it before and I just checked it out on YouTube. The next time I get the urge to go to the zoo in winter, I'm just not going to go, but I will be checking out the Central Park Zoo in the spring.
Dr. Zauis goes to "My Friend's Hot Monkey" website.
@DaveW: Ha ha ha! Good one!